Wounded Healer prayer (audio)

paintings by Gilbert Williams

I offer a short prayer for transformation, and I get real about my longing for unity and intimacy.

Get real and give it to God (audio)

A spiritual talk and transformation experience, recorded in the park (20 minutes):

Essay on Spiritual Transformation, part 1

In spiritual transformation, what is it that we are attempting to transform? It is our lower self, or our ego. When we recognize the Truth, through the Word of God, we realize we fall short of the standard set for us by the Prophets. At this point, several responses might occur. A sense of guilt may be triggered--a feeling of inadequacy. We want to cover this up, so we set out to follow the laws and rules to give us a sense of worth, and so we will be seen as acceptable in the eyes of God and others. Another response might be to feel this inadequacy without attempting to cover it up with good behavior. The inadequacy may be painful, and leave us feeling exposed. We may then turn to God in prayer, read His Word, and commune with His spirit, and feel that His powerful presence wipes away our feeling of inadequacy, or transforms it into power—spiritual power which is not from our ego, but from the grace of God.

Words, concepts, and acquired knowledge often act as a veil or cloak covering our feelings. Negative feelings are an indicator or a barometer for our body and soul, revealing to us that we are in need or out of balance in some way. We avoid experiencing negative feelings so we can continue to uphold our idealized self-image and continue to receive the approval and validation from others that comes from conforming to society’s standards of how one should be. Not only are these feelings painful to experience, but when we do experience them, we suddenly find ourselves out of step with society, alone, and unsupported by those whose life’s purpose is to avoid insecurity and instead uphold the idealized self-image. We fortify and shore-up our ego self in order to shield against and ward off feelings of insecurity, loneliness, or emptiness.

So you see there is great resistance to experiencing pain. When one can allow himself to actually feel pain or shame or heartache, it is a step away from falseness. It is an act of bravery. It breaks the rigid fear that comes from constantly repressing one’s feelings in the name of trying to look good. We think this ‘looking good’ and ‘keeping up appearances’ helps others and sets a good example, but we just teach others to be fake and superficial, without real humility, and leaving no room for growth. It is actually selfish, because we are afraid to feel the inner shame and emptiness that comes when we realize we have been fake our whole lives and that we don’t know what reality is.

If we’re busy upholding an image for others, we cannot grow or transform. If we cannot feel insecurity, we cannot turn to God for security. If we’ve acquired knowledge, house, family, job, religious and secular titles and positions, relationships, possessions, and received our security and identity from these things, then there is no room for God, no way to realize that God is the only Comforter and Provider. If our heart is attached to the comforts of this world, how can we experience God as the one who bestows the joy and peace? How can we seek peace if we cannot feel the struggle inside us? If we are constantly appeasing our struggle with the pleasures and securities of this world, how then can we let God into our hearts? Even religion and our religious friends serve as worldly comforts, which perpetuates our attachment to this world. We actually use religious meetings and religious knowledge as objects to possess, which serve to build up our personal power and give us worldly security, in order to shield against feeling our inner emptiness, shame, fear, and insecurity.

We need to dig deep into our life, and recognize that we have feelings of fear, insecurity, shame, inadequacy, and this makes up the greater part of our inner self. And we’ve been conditioned to attach ourselves to our knowledge, family, job, position, house, etc., in order to prevent us from experiencing these feelings. But those inner feelings don’t go away—they just get covered up. And then we become superficial, materialistic, intellectual, and unspiritual. Then comes the creation of the false shell which may imitate spirituality, or at least imitates what the mind thinks is spirituality. True spirituality may not look like what you imagine it to be--because you can’t have true spirituality without authentic recognition and experience of that which is not spiritual—the untransformed ego self. After the arduous process of letting down the defenses against your unwanted ego self, you can spiritualize that very self, and apply the remedy of the Writings, and enter the battle with ego. After awhile, you will see that the struggle, the battle, the pain, the selfishness, is all part of God, it is all good, and it all issues from His grace. But these are just concepts until you first get real with yourself, and feel your pain and your inadequacy, instead of talking about it in your head from a safe distance.

We spend our whole lives shielding against and warding off feelings of fear, insecurity, and weakness, and especially against showing it or expressing it in front of others. Instead, we spend all our time creating false identities of power and security and attach ourselves to various things in the world which we and society as a whole consider symbols of power and security. Underneath all our anger, fear, worry, resentment, shame, and guilt is a need and desire to be loved, forgiven, and comforted. If we can let ourselves feel that need wholly, and turn to God through His Prophets instead of turning to the things of this temporal world, we will have eternal rest--the deep peace and love our souls crave.

Since it is extremely difficult to be this vulnerable in public--while working and conducting our daily affairs around people who are not going through spiritual transformation--we need to have support groups which train us in how to stay open-hearted and turn to God for our strength while still interacting with people in our daily lives. No less than intense, sustained, and regular support and cooperation among small groups of interested individuals is required for authentic spiritual transformation.

Short quotes and notes on life and spirituality 1

Growing in spirituality means having a deeper realization of your need for God.


People believe in and trust in human love, but not in God’s love, even though God created humans, and He is the Originator and Author of love, and His love is infinitely greater than any human’s love.


People don’t like to feel painful feelings. They use materialism as an escape from unpleasant feelings. They don’t admit that they feel disconnected from God and are materialistic: relying on job, money, house, family, people for comfort and security.


We say the world is a mess. God says yes, it’s a mess, but it’s a perfect mess.


You must let yourself feel the pain of God’s judgments (or the consequences of your actions) in order for it to work as a deterrent for future wrong actions. If you numb your pain, you won’t learn or grow from your mistakes. If the pain is not a result of wrong action or personal weakness, then the suffering is a test from God for the growth of your soul. Either way, suffering is a beneficial test from God. But if we numb the pain, repress it, or escape into material pleasures, we will lose the opportunity for human depth, relationship, love, connection, compassion, as well as spiritual growth, love, unity, closeness to God, love for God, feeling God’s love, healing, mercy, and compassion.


There is nothing but God-goo surrounding you.


You can’t be attached to the teaching work, your understanding of the process of spiritual growth, your understanding of anything, the work of helping people, your accomplishments, your knowledge, any person, your thoughts or feelings. Just cling to God—attach to Him only. Then you will know selfless love. No one can generate or produce selfless love, obviously. We must untangle from our attachments first, otherwise it will always be selfish love. To the extent we are detached from this world is the extent to which we can love others.


Your spirituality is different from your worthiness. Not everyone is spiritual, but everyone is worthy.


I want someone who is made happy by my presence, and whose presence makes me happy.


People use religion for ego power and ego security. It breeds guilt and competition just like the work/school/family/friends world.


You play their game to escape from your pain.


We need to shed the husks of ego patterns, and reveal the vulnerable stuff inside—then shed that husk.


We don’t know our destiny; we can’t figure out our destiny. God does what He wills. All we can do is use our gifts and talents to serve Him by surrendering our all to Him, and by making choices in life that conform to the best understanding of His Word. His destiny for us is that we completely trust in Him, and entrust our future to Him without knowing what will come of it.


If everything God did seemed outwardly just, then we could never have the opportunity to exercise our faith in Him.


Most people have a negative relationship to suffering. We want to try to have a positive relationship to it by embracing it and seeing how God uses suffering to help us grow spiritually and reach out for His love. It also helps us to forge bonds of love with others, and it promotes detachment from worldly things.


Insecurity and fear come because others do judge and criticize us, and that hurts. We judge others in the way we fear others will judge us, or in the way we judge ourselves. By judging others, it gives us the power we lose from being judged and criticized by others or ourselves.


When you become emotionally dependent on someone, it produces a sense of expectation and entitlement from the person. When you don’t get what you want from the person, you may get angry with them because you think they owe it to you—but that is just coming from your attachment to them and lack of connection with God’s love.


The more you get hurt, the more your heart breaks open—the greater measure of love you can receive from God as you turn to Him for comfort.


Human beings are like flowers. We need to be continually deriving sustenance from the soil of our trust in God, and opening up our hearts to the sun of His grace and love.

Essay on Spiritual Transformation, part 2

People perceive each other and behave towards each other in terms of how that other person can be used to satisfy their need to defend against feeling their fears and insecurities, guilt or shame. We all use people to shore up and fortify our outer shell, to gain a feeling of security based on worldly pleasures and worldly attachments. This is not love. This actually precludes and impedes love. This is selfishness. No matter how nice and loving we may seem on the outside—the sole purpose of the interaction has at its root the selfish desire to protect oneself from pain, hurt, weakness, fear, insecurity, guilt, or shame. Often the unconscious intention is to appear loving and good, so as to gain approval from the person or from God, or to compensate for or cover over and hide an inner feeling of inadequacy. Here, again, the goal is to avoid appearing weak and needy, and to ward off feelings of weakness or fear. Although it is right to appear loving and good, if the motivation does not come from a felt realization and communion with the transcendent realms, then it originates in the self, and it only veils the self from the realms of grace.

(I should say there are times when a person can show altruistic love, compassion, and concern for another when there is no threat, such as when someone is showing weakness and neediness, during sickness, tragedy, etc. I believe there is this natural human love, but it is not totally pure and selfless--there is always some stain of self involved. Only God's love is totally pure, and without this love, there will never be a sense of being totally or completely loved and understood.)

There is a danger that measuring ourselves to a religious standard can reinforce feelings of inadequacy, when we realize that we don’t or can’t live up to these ideals and standards. Many of us have an inner critic that condemns us when we don’t live up to ideals we have imposed on ourselves, especially from religious training. When we haven’t experienced unconditional love and grace, when we don’t feel forgiven, we have the tendency to see religious laws and ideals as judgmental and punitive, which reinforces our original childhood wounds of feeling bad, wrong, guilty, and not good enough. Of course on the outside, we show the idealized self-image, how we think we are supposed to be. But inside there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and fear of punishment for not being good enough. We do anything to cover up these feelings of worthlessness and shame. We make it our life’s goal to ward off these seemingly life-destroying feelings. Who wants their life to topple and collapse in front of them? So a sense of security and stability is created through the outer life, so that one can remain stable and semi-peaceful, while warding off the inner pain.

One of our biggest fears is public ridicule or humiliation. We definitely don’t want someone or a group of people to make fun of us in public. This we defend against with our very lives. For this alone we would spend our lives creating a mask, in order to not have to feel the pain of a public mocking. Many adults were mistreated or ridiculed as children by their classmates, peers, or even parents, and they carry the wounds of these torments. As a coping mechanism, these adults can be seen occasionally attacking or ridiculing others, as a way to compensate for the unhealed wounds and hurts they have inside—as memories of our past hurts are carried within us.

When we allow ourselves to feel our pain and unhealed wounds, we will be forced to attempt to heal them, and we will want to receive and feel the love we did not get as children and do not receive in our daily lives. We hide these wounds because there is no love in us which would heal the pain. So what else can we do in order to function through the day? We cannot walk around emotionally bleeding around everyone, so we create walls and defenses, and put a nice false self around the whole inner mess, and we go about our business. That works as long as you keep warding off all your pain, and keep manipulating your mind and your circumstances so as to not run into any bumps on the road. Inevitably, we come up against the truth that this world and its struggles have an eternal counterpart, a realm within which is sanctified from the changes and chances of life. When we feel pain, the mature soul will crave the eternal, sanctified realm, and will cry out to God for His presence and ask to be taken into His love. When we experience His love, not only as an intellectual truth, but as a bodily-felt experience, there will indeed be healing. The healing needs to go deep, so we need to feel and experience God's love deeply. This occurs as a result of our own practice of accessing the parts of ourselves which are normally hidden. When we bring to light these hidden 'demons', they become exposed to the light of truth and awareness, and then we can bring God's remedy to these 'dark' aspects. You will see that the light will transmute this darkness, and without repressing our feelings, we will change ourselves, and we will see a new creature--a spiritual being--emerge within us. This being is created by God—but we allowed ourselves to be transformed and we gave up our hidden aspects and brought them to His threshold for transmutation and purification.

Facing feelings

(This is from 5/18/94)

Here's a big challenge: we need to be honest with God about our feelings. We don't necessarily have to share our feelings with another person, but we need to share them with God. In other words, we need to come out of denial, stop stuffing the emotions inside, and start opening up the heart and praying to God, and trusting in God that He will help us and heal us of our suffering. Share the joys and the sorrows. Commune with God, be honest with Him--share thoughts and feelings! Why deny the heart its joy of communing fully with God? God understands us, even if we don't understand ourselves. We can let it all out--all the pain--to God. He will turn it into joy, just because we shared it with Him. You know how sometimes when we open up to a person, we feel better, our problems are mysteriously solved, or at least they don't seem as important anymore? It's because we've let God's love in as we opened our heart and trusted Him. And the transcendent Spirit comes into our hearts and lifts us above this temporal world and shows us the visions of the eternal realm. The emotions of the Kingdom of Heaven are revealed to us, and suddenly our earthly problems don't seem significant anymore.

But if we're constantly denying our emotions in the name of being 'a man', who doesn't feel pain or any emotions for that matter, we'll never know the love of God. We'll be blocked because we haven't faced an important part of ourselves. We can't always be in 'business' mode. Just because that's the society's conditioning doesn't mean it's God's way. God has other ways to remedy the problem of suffering. Don't deny it, but give it to God, or transcend it with love and understanding. The truly religious way to be a 'man' is not society's way. Don't be fooled by the apparent similarities: both say 'be happy and loving'. But God says 'be truly happy and loving by my grace'. Society says 'be happy and loving on the outside even if it means you have to be a hypocrite and stuff or ignore your feelings of discontent or confusion'. Society says don't think too deeply about yourself or reality--you might just find out something--you might see through the game of the old world order and its institutions, God forbid!

God says 'face yourself'. And face Him. Give yourself to Him, along with your feelings of hurt, discontent, confusion, or even joy. When God says try to act positive when you feel negative, it is only because He wants you to eventually become the act and be positive--not to deny any reality. Society is big on denying reality.

But I'm big on being honest and finding the truth in any situation. Especially when it comes to what you feel as a human being. It really helps to be honest about your feelings without any fear of others. And when you open your feelings to God, there's no fear, only love. You can get in touch with His love that way, and experience the feelings of His love--the peace and joy. The emotions can again flow smoothly, the love for others comes out. Without the emotions, we're a shell, doing business in a cold world. Sure, we can accomplish things and be moral and serve God and help people. But if we deny such a part of ourselves, are we truly being spiritual? Can we truly share the love of God and show others the joys of the Kingdom? How can we help others face reality if we're not facing a part of our reality--a part which can feel the love of God, the beauty of life, which can feel the wonders of reality and communicate it like a child? Sure, there are parts of ourselves we haven't faced because they haven't presented themselves to us--that's part of our natural growth process of discovery. But I'm talking about simply feeling the feelings that have indeed come our way, but we stuffed away or denied. These indeed have been shown to us. We must use them to grow closer to God. We must use them to trust God more. They are given to us for our growth, for the growth of our love, of our heart. We cannot deny them any longer.

And this comes back to families and community-building. We need to help each other work through the confusing thoughts and emotions which cause us suffering and joy. We must draw closer to each other as we discover that we all experience similar feelings of isolation, hurt, confusion, etc. We draw on God, and open up to Him and to one another. By sharing in this way, God will bless us with His Holy Spirit, and faith will grow in our hearts and faith will grow in the communities, and people will see the love, and they will be attracted to it. If you have faith, and act on that faith, they will come! There must be initiative and inspiration. And there must be some resources. If people see the love, they will open their hearts and trust, and share. We must create this open, loving, trusting, sharing environment. God help us create this environment. Please create this environment in myself. The pain makes me grow. It stretches my heart and I pray to you more--I must find the Way to Peace. I can never block the truth of Love and the Open Heart. It must come out!

Are Baha'is doing more outer work than inner work? For now, it is important to spread the Teachings. But we must do the inner work, and get in touch with the Real Transcendent Love, that flies above this temporal world. Love that is calm and powerful, and gives tremendous hope. Love that is patient and kind and not overbearing. Love that listens and hears and is compassionate and understanding. Love that heals the suffering. Love that unites the people and unites the hearts. Love that purifies souls and builds families and communities. Love that will one day unite the world in perfect love and harmony.

With this love that comes from God, we can face ourselves and face the world. And we must! We must move forward as an Army of Light and conquer the hearts of men, for the good of the world, for the Cause of God! But we must not force the Message on anyone. People, with their free will, may reject the Message if they wish. We will move on, unshaken, and with complete faith, being nourished by the love of God and His unshakable Word of Truth!

Help us God! Help us find the resources to do this! Oh God, all things come from you. I pray that you give us what we need to fulfill our potential in this earthly realm. Bless us, help us!

Short quotes and notes on life and spirituality 2

If we praise or love people because they exhibit certain qualities, then it is conditional love. Then our likes and dislikes determine which people are worthy of praise and love. We should love and praise all people, and love them despite their personality. Any quality you see is just a development and manifestation of the compensatory self. So you’re just praising the person’s ego. He should be praised and loved for his soul, and for God, for we are praising God, who created all people.


We must look beyond personality and be a SOULSEER!


When we feel sadness or worry about someone, it is basically because we’ve lost our connection with God. We don’t have faith and we don’t have love. In order to help someone, we need to have strength and power from God. Instead of worry, we can have faith. Instead of sadness, we can have compassion. How can we help people if we become weakened by their hurt, sadness, and pain? As well, we have to be comfortable with our own pain and weakness and turn to God with our pain and weakness in order to help others do the same, so that they can feel comforted by us in their pain.


“If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” Turn the sourness of suffering into the sweetness of God’s healing balm, as you supplicate the Holy Threshold.


The greater the hole of need and desire, the greater the faith and love that fills it!


Install God in your secret inner weakness and He will replace it with His strength.


Pain is necessary and positive. Without it, we wouldn’t build, invent, or work for justice. Without suffering, we are dead. It is a necessary part of human life. What is negative is denying or repressing pain, and then saying that we are transcending it. If there were no suffering, there would be no need for prayer, supplication, love or compassion. Our hearts would no longer grow wide. We would grow proud and self-satisfied. Indeed, God works through the suffering of His chosen ones. This is His way, and it will ever be so. Whoever tries to live without suffering is doing a disservice to himself and to the Cause of God.


These are our basic feelings: fear of getting hurt; and desire for comfort, love and connection.


Feel the pain that that implies for your life.


Look how they posture all day, even for God!


It’s simple: God is our foundation and is the primary Reality. Then there is the human mind and its perceptions, feelings, and will. We need to align with God. The problem comes when we put our perceptions and will before God; and we shouldn’t rely on our perception of God, either. That would be putting our perception first. How can we know God except for our perception of God? That is the path of mystics, my friend!


The biggest comfort and security about remaining deluded and trapped in illusory self is that everyone else is caught in it also. So it seems the right thing to do, and there is apparently validation and fellowship in this illusion.


True spiritual awareness is an integration of self-awareness and God-awareness. It is not a denial of the self, with its lower nature. But the lower nature, as it is held in the light of God-awareness, becomes transmuted, and is then seen in its purified form as an expression of God’s grace and creative power, to be used in service to humanity as an expression of His all-encompassing Love.


People are riding on the cultural engine of materialism and individualism, and can’t seem to get off the train in order to enter the Kingdom of God.


Pain and suffering from injury, illness, or emotional hurt is good for us. It can humble us and cause us to bond with all others who are similarly hurting and suffering.


Spirituality is experiencing my humanity as a divine creation.


Sexuality is my humanity wanting to fuse and merge with another’s humanity.


Anger is masculinized discontentment.


Until you become filled with the Holy Spirit, all your efforts toward humility will be in vain. And after you are filled with the Holy Spirit, all your efforts toward humility will be in vain.